What am I doing?
I still remember the talk we were given in that LLB101 lecture back in 2016 when I started my law degree. Impostor syndrome. When you feel like you don’t belong, you’re missing something and everyone else is doing better than you. I’ll be honest, I felt a little impostor syndrome during my first year while I found my feet but this was NOTHING compared to what I would feel after returning to study after a leave of absence due to acquiring my disability.
Balancing full-time study with a full-time disability was a fullblown nightmare my first semester back. There wasn’t a day I didn’t doubt myself the whole semester until I got my results and even after that. I felt like I had forgotten everything I had learned in my first two years and I had to learn to study all over again which was extremely difficult because I was also still learning my disability and how to live with it. Interestingly though, my doubts weren’t just about my academic abilities, they were about my disability itself. A lot of tiny little things really added up and had a huge effect. “Well am I even as disabled as I think I am?” I thought to myself one time as I tried to stand up and instantly fell over on my paralysed legs. Yeah, I was.
I had to work through my own internalised ableism and deconstruct the thoughts I had that I couldn’t be productive, successful or even HAPPY with a disability. I had this idea in my head that as a student with a disability I had to stay in the shadows, not make a scene and just get by quietly so as not to disturb the other students who were off chasing their dreams and changing the world. It sounds ridiculous and I wish I was kidding but there were experiences I had very early on that reinforced this view that I wasn’t as valued or appreciated as a student compared to non-disabled students. I felt that I didn’t belong in lectures, I felt that I shouldn’t speak up in tutorials because I would get it wrong or people would think “why is she even here?” and I felt that despite doing all the readings and research I was missing the point in my assignments even though I achieved high marks. I avoided thinking about my career because I didn’t think I would have a career. No one would employ me because I’m disabled. This was reinforced by the near total lack of disabled representation in the legal industry. I hadn’t seen anyone in the legal industry that was like me and that I could relate to.
“That day I made a promise to myself to make a conscious effort to do one thing: be unapologetically myself.”
At the end of 2019 after having to defer my exams because of my disability I reached the point where I asked myself “What am I doing?” and I said enough. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Enough hiding away my potential. Enough sitting in the background. Enough doubting myself. Enough letting others make decisions for me. Enough being annoyed at the lack of opportunities. Enough putting things off. Enough of everything. That day I made a promise to myself to make a conscious effort to do one thing: be unapologetically myself.
Since that day I’ve done exactly that and I’m now the first ever Abilities Officer for the QUT Law Society, the student representative for the Disability Services Working Party, applying for clerkships, more engaged than ever in my study and excited about my future in law. That one promise to myself has changed my entire perspective. When previously I would’ve complained about a barrier I encountered, now I’m advocating for myself and others and removing the barrier. When previously I would’ve kept to the shadows, now I’m front and centre as a proud disabled person. When previously I would’ve been annoyed at the lack of opportunities and information, now I’m creating opportunities that didn’t exist and seeking out information that I can use to help others. I’m setting an example for others with disabilities that we are acknowledged and represented and we can be successful, productive and happy. I’m also sending a message to non-disabled people that people with disabilities are not a silent minority that can be ignored.
So be unapologetically you! Do whatever makes your heart happy, speak up, chase your wildest dreams and live your best possible life. Speaking from experience, people aren’t kidding when they say your life can change in an instant and that we take things for granted until they’re taken away. You’re here, you’re intelligent because you’re studying law, you’re unique and you’re valued, you have your whole career ahead of you, you have so much potential and you can do anything you set your mind to. So what are you waiting for?
Article written by Cassandra Grey
This article appeared in the Torts Illustrated New Decades, New Horizons (2020) Publication