“I just can’t catch a break!” says law student, distraught another birthday might be ruined by Covid.
Johnathon ‘Johno’ Johnson McSmyth III, a fourth year Laws and Business student who bravely stuck out 2020 at his parents’ waterfront Bulimba property, is reeling at the prospect of more Covid restrictions. Johno, is inconsolable at the thought further QLD Health imposed restrictions might again stop his parents from hiring out a rooftop James St venue for his 22nd birthday. These fears come as a local doctor tested positive for Covid.
Johno, completely unaware of how tone deaf he is, ranted under a QLD Health post: “Can’t people just stop getting sick, or something?!” Much of this upset likely stemming from being unable to have his last birthday at a bar mid Covid.
“I can’t have another b-day ruined! Last year was so embarrassing! I had to have it at Mum and Dad’s place like a f*cking povo!” asserted the young McSmyth, whose parents own a 4 storey 8 bedder on the Brisbane River.
“His party was actually really good last year, and his parents’ house is nuts! There’s three pizza ovens on just the 3rd level!” exclaimed a comparatively poorer member of Johno’s friend group
“He’s got no idea how out of touch he is. I’ve been on Youth Allowance since I lost my job last year, so I could only imagine being able to put on a party half as big as his last one was!” divulged the same friend of Johno’s, remaining anonymous, in case Johno uninvites him because he receives Centrelink payments.
McSmyth episode III, whose primary income is a trust fund set up by his grandfather, is equally upset there’s not enough time to change the motif of the suit he commissioned, from ‘swinging my d*ck at a bar‘ to ‘swinging my d*ck at Mum and Dad’s place‘. After his Mum suggested he wear the suit as it is, Johno unsurprisingly claimed that wearing an outfit that doesn’t fit the theme is “…for the poors.”
Unfortunately, Johno is not alone in being unaware of how good he has it, with many of us being much better off than other parts of the world, but boy does he take the parentally-funded cake on this one.
P.S. if you, or anyone you know enjoys creative writing (or generally taking the piss), and would like to write for the George Street Journal get in contact via gsj.officer@qutlawsociety.com.
Written by Jaike Salmon
This satire piece first appeared on The George Street Journal on March 18th 2021