“Man I love that Tokyo Drift film!” says ship captain, seconds before disaster.
With the news that a cargo ship has been blocking the Suez Canal for 6 days now, it begs the question, why was someone going down it sideways? To get to the bottom of this, we interviewed the captain at the centre of the extensive obstruction.
The aforementioned captain, Donald Kee Kong (DK), made the following claim: “Life’s simple, you make choices and you don’t look back,” possibly in reference to the hundreds of boats now stuck behind him after his vessel got stuck.
One of the ship’s crew informed us that Captain Kong is normally a pretty run of the mill guy, but is more than a little obsessed with the third film in the Fast and the Furious franchise. “I don’t think he gets that they drift around corners in that movie. The canal’s a straight line, and he still managed to f*ck it.” Several of the crew have echoed this sentiment, with another informing us the Terriyaki Boyz hit song, Tokyo Drift, was playing at a deafening volume from the ship’s speakers when DK clogged the pipe.
Excavation crews are working tirelessly to free the ship from the banks it’s currently stuck on, but there is still no surety of when the trade route’s going to be operational again. We pressed DK on whether he felt any remorse for the inconvenience he’d caused, to which he responded: “What’s one canal in exchange for knowing what a man’s made of?” Whatever that means.
Anyway, despite being unaware of how long the canal will be blocked one thing’s certain, DK is unlikely to get the ‘One Last Ride’ he keeps banging on about.
This satire piece first appeared on The George Street Journal on February 24th 2019